Christmas

Christmas Day came and went. The activities which we have been planning for seemed like a blur to me, partly because I have been feeling physically unwell. But mostly, I think that it's due to a lack of reflection / ownership on my part.

I am a person who likes to be very deliberate and purposeful in my actions, especially for big events such as Christmas. No doubt I am able to rattle off the "model" answer as to why we were involved in all the activities, but it remains a head knowledge as long as my heart is not sold out to it. It is easy to get carried off with all the plannings, practices, and miss out on the very fundamental purpose why we were working so hard.

What had my motivation been? Sheer commitment and responsibility to the group? I believe so... Not a nice confession at all eh? My motivation had somewhat been misplaced. What I really needed was a deep, heartfelt conviction that could come from the Lord Himself. What difference would it make to the programs? I wonder, but at least, I would have approached Christmas with a keener consciousness of God's presence, which would have resulted in a changed attitude.

Well, all is not lost. The new year is coming, signalling a new beginning. I would really like to start off the year with the right footing, with my eyes fixed on Jesus.

"Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your Truth;

Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your Name..."

Psalm 86:11

Of Life and Death

Honestly, am too tired to blog at this unearthly hour, but I really want to appreciate everyone for the care and concern shown to me regarding my granny's health. By the grace of God, and many of your prayers, my granny survived the ordeal! I learnt that her heart actually stopped beating for moments, and she had to be revived with the machine that sends some currents through the pumps (whatever it's called). Through this week, I got to appreciate life a lot more, to take things easier esp. at work.

And I got a rude shock last week when I returned to office Wed morning, and found out that one of our Asst Mgr has passed on. He had a sudden heart attack while holidaying overseas. A real shock! He was only 46, and was a really, really nice person. He helped me in one of my assignment previously, although I did not report to him. Indeed, many of us felt the grief deeply. I do not understand it, OLord, but I choose to look to You. Pls continue to shine Your light in this workplace.

Lord, Please Be Near

Came back from the ch retreat today. I must say that it was a rather relaxing camp, as compared to other camps I've attended. Mainly eat, sleep, workshop, free time... Cosy number of attendees. Glad to have known new pp e.g. P's children, and played with our 2 babies - Ruth and Vicky. If anything, we had fun through the game sessions - formal and informal. Well, we will need wisdom to proceed from here...

Actually, my heart and mind have been more pre-0ccupied with other business. My grandma who's living in KL is critically ill and in hospital. Her condition supposedly got better last night, and so we kinda decided to make the trip to visit her on Thur, after setting work arrangement here. However, we just received news that she is not exactly improving, and is in great pain. So, we will travel down to KL tmr morning, regardless of work... My heart is in a state of unsettlement ever since we got the news. How I wish that we could fly to her side now!

If I am already feeling this way, I can imagine the anxiety my dad is experiencing now. I can almost feel it in the air, although he is not verbalising it. My dad is a very fillial son and I know that he really, really wants to be present with granny now. God, please please preserve my grandmother and have mercy on all of us.

"For with God, nothing shall be impossible." Luke 1:37

Thanksgiving

I thank God that I will be able to attend the ch camp afterall. The project team has adjusted the schedule slightly to accommodate my leave.

I attended the first day of the UAT today at N. It was quite a messy scene, but the great turnout just reminded me of how massive this project is! It was a gathering of all the various pp linked to the project- vendor, developer and us. People were milling everywhere. What a sight! Oh well, it kinda spurred me to prepare better quality test cases.

Ahhhhh!!!!!

Am feeling a little better now, after the medicine has taken effect. I think that this is a classic instance that I fall sick due to stress and fatigue. Had been having fever, sore throat and aches since yesterday, but still press on to work. Cannot "tahan" further after work today and went to see a doctor dutifully. Sorry that I had to miss the puppet practice.

I think the morale in church is generally low, at least in my perception. The way things are happening for the upcoming camp has affected a number of us - low attendance, program theme etc. What has happened to the excitement we used to have whenever we approach such a camp? No doubt God can use this opportunity to speak to each of us, but how receptive are we now? Lord, may You prepare all our hearts to meet with You. I think also that the heavy demands of the C party prepartion is taking its toll on some of us.

I had a shock upon reading an email at work on Monday. The project that I'm very heavily involved as a user representative is having its User Acceptance Testing phase from Dec to Jan. My original scheduled period of testing is from mid Jan 05, but apparently, the project team decided to re-schedule all the tests. And lo and behold, my tests are now supposed to be conducted from the week 13 Dec right till end of the year!!

Implications - I may not be able to attend the ch camp, as planned. And I may not be able to visit my grandparents thereafter. I have raised this to the project team and asked them to re-schedule, but am not too optimistic. Afterall, there are so-called dependencies between busincess cases. The carry forward of the test dates also means that I have to make sure that the test cases are ready, but we are far from ready! My assistant has taken leave this week and I've got to churn everything out by myself! Before 13/12/04. How impossible!

This brings to mind how I had to forgo the ch camp last year same period, also because of work! I was also very stressed then, as I had to be around for a major re-org, staff movement and business continuity. This adds on to my mounting frustrations as history seems to be repeating itself this year. To top it off, the project implementation has been delayed till Oct 05, meaning I've got to slog at this project for so many more months!Erk! This is so yucky!

And that's not all, my integrity was called to test over an appraisal report over the past months. It blew to the top recently. Duh, it's not convenient to elaborate here, but it bothered me so much yesterday, that I actually lost sleep over it. I think that God is reminding me of my conscience, and being fair to others, especially my surbordinates. In all honesty, I have raised my displeasure and disagreement at the way things are handled by the organisation. Spoke about this several times with my boss, but he did not take to my points. Today, I again made my stand clear, and tried my best. As I would be signing off the report, I could only ensure that whatever's written is factual, without subjective opinions which are clearly untrue. Sigh, this will be a longdrawn process. Thanks to MW, Will and Norm who listened to me and provided counsel on this matter.

With all these stresses at work, I was really contemplating about leaving the org. But I know that I should do nothing in rash, so am giving myself more time to cool off first.